Life?

written 06/9/12 (5 days before delivery)

Humans are not capable of making decisions of this magnitude, are we?  How will I ever be able to look "life" in the eyes again with any feeling but hate... if we were to decide to go down that path?  I stare outside at a world that I thought I once knew with complete and utter disgust.  I find consolation in nothing except the calm and peaceful look on the face of my wife when she is awake.  When she sleeps, I turn inward.  The unrest that is happening within my soul is a fiery hell.  My pain is the type I haven't experienced before.  It engulfs me, sweeping through my body like a tidal wave hitting the shore.  There is nothing left untouched. 

I think of the life that lies just beneath the surface of my wife's skin.  How many nights I have laid near her and felt the movement within.  That is my child, I would think to myself.  Soon I will have the honor of being a parent.  How I long to have those moments back.  The peace and solitude of being in our bed at home in a place I call safe.  The energy and vigor she once possessed, which feeds me and gives me confidence, is now diminished by the need for concentration, on only one thing.  She seems at peace with this.  She doesn't even shed a tear.  Does she really even understand what is happening?  I need her to understand.  I need her to cry out with the same pain that I feel within me.

Even though I am surrounded by family who fill all of our voids will nothing but love, I feel alone.  How can this be happening?  I pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming.  It is real.  I scrub myself in the shower but I still feel dirty.  Tears stream down my face.  I am able to shake it off for a second, but it hits me over and over again.  I must overcome this, so as not to startle or frighten her.  I must be strong.  If I melt down now, she is soon to follow.  The reality sets in.

written 6/21/12
(At 25 weeks the lungs of a baby are not fully developed, and only 25% will survive, even with resuscitation.  At 26 weeks, the percentages dramatically increase.  My wife was able to hang on for 6 days and made it to 25 6/7 days gestation.  All this while being fully dilated.  There is no doubt in my mind that she single-handedly saved our child.  For this act of courage, I am left speechless.  Thank you.)