A Reminder

I met a friend today at a local watering hole for happy hour.  He was only in town a few days, and I hadn't seen him in quite some time.  We spent an hour and a half catching up on things, while we enjoyed a couple of drinks and a small bite to eat.  As we talked, I couldn't help but notice a young mother walk onto the patio with her newborn child in some sort of plastic baby carrier.  I could see the little girl was wide awake in her basket as the woman walked past me and proceeded to sit down at a table that was within my view.  During her meal, her interaction with her baby was minimal.  The child was awake, but mom was more focused on conversation and refreshments than being with her daughter.

I was immediately struck by a painful realization.  Here sat before me a woman, who was most likely a wonderful person as well as a committed and loving parent, but failed to comprehend the opportunity that lay in a rocker near her side.  She did not touch the child, hold the child, talk to the child, and for that matter, even look at the child.  I don't judge her.  I understand completely.  She was probably too engrossed in her activities to worry about her seemingly content baby for that hour or two.  There will be plenty of time for that later.

At least for her...

My life is different though.  All I get to do is sit and watch while he grows, yet my part in it is so very little.  This doesn't feel like what parenting should be about.  I reach out to touch his skin, but the fear of overstimulating him forces me to stop.  I want so much for him to know that it is me that is near him, that I am by his side, and that everything will be okay, yet I know that even talking to him isn't what's best for my son.  I wish so much to rip all the wires from his skin and tubes from his head and press him close to me, holding his body against my chest so he knows I am his father.  And I dream of the day when I get to see his beautiful face whenever I choose, not on some hourly schedule.  I am caught, trapped somewhere between logic and love.

What I saw today hurt deeply, a stark reminder that I don't have the freedom to be the father I wish to be.